The Decisions and the Damage Done

It's winter 1999. Sam and I build a snow fort out of a picnic table in my backyard. We crawl inside of it and lay next to each other for an hour. I can feel her warm exhale on my cheek. I want to kiss her, but I'm afraid.

It's September 2006. Rachel and I sit under the World War I memorial in front of Stroud Hall. Her hand trembles when I grab it, and our lips graze for a second. She's just told me that she likes me, but she's terrified. That was her first kiss.

January 2005. Kara and I are parked outside a movie theater in Roxbury. I've had my license for two weeks. We've been talking in the car for hours. Motion City Soundtrack whispered from the stereo. The windows were fogged with words when our lips met.

2001. Sam moves away. I don't notice.

It's December 17, 2002. I take Lauren out for a walk after the Christmas pageant. She shivers, and I offer her my jacket. I'm shaking with cold and nervousness as I compare her to the stars. She's my girlfriend now. I get back into my friend's car without her phone number. We never touched, but I don't care.

July 14, 2006. Allyson and I celebrate our 1 year anniversary. I take her to the Deer Head Inn, and we listen to jazz the whole night. Jessie Green's on the piano. Under the table, her heel brushes my ankle. She radiates in the dimming light, and I love her.

October 2006. I miss Rachel's birthday party. I tell her I have homework, but she doesn't believe me. She's right.

September 2008. I surprise Amanda at Eastern. We watch Roman Holiday and go for a walk in the rain. The water falls in heavy sheets, and we seek shelter under a tree canopy. I know I'm supposed to kiss her, but I refuse to look her in the eye. She's my best friend's ex.

November 2007. It's an Indian summer night. Kate and I walk in the nature preserve by my house. We lay next to each other in the tall reeds and make up our own constellations. I remember to hold her, and I pull her close and kiss her like I mean it. I do.

February 2003. I'm snowboarding in New Hampshire when I tell Lauren's best friend I like her. Lauren hates me, and they're not friends anymore.

December 2008. I cry after dropping Amanda off at the airport.

January 2003. Lauren and I watch Two Weeks Notice in Hackettstown. I ask permission before I kiss her. She tastes like rose petals.

January 1, 2006. Allyson doesn't kiss me on New Years. I walk outside and sit by myself on the front porch. I'm upset and begin to doubt our relationship.

March 2009. Amy and I swim in the Gulf of Mexico. She never gets to see the ocean, and I watch her watch the waves.

August 2007. I stumble upon prom pictures of me and Kara. My jean jacket draped across her shoulders. She was beautiful, and I looked happy. I wonder if I was.

October 2008. Amanda and I road trip across Pennsylvania. Secondhand Serenade plays on the ride back. I pretend to fall asleep so I can stare at her as she drives. She's really special.

February 2008. I break up with Kate. She doesn't see it coming, and I leave without a word. I'm just not ready.

July 14, 2007. Allyson and I celebrate our second anniversary. We know it's our last.

May 2009. I go to Amy's house after work, and she has a fish dinner ready for me. She's a fantastic girlfriend, and I don't know how I got so lucky.

February 2009. Amanda thinks I'm hiding something. I'm not.

January 2007. Sarah and I are both lonely and depressed when she invites me in. We hold each other's body for warmth. We hold each other's heart for safekeeping.

January 2007. I break up with Allyson. My hands shake in cold sweat. We both cry on the phone for hours. She tells me I ruined her. I don't tell her I cheated, and I know I'll never forgive myself. I hung up and vomited on the sidewalk.

June 2, 2009. I tell Amy I'm moving home. She understands this is the end. She's the only girl who never got angry at me, and because of this I know I'll miss her.

March 2009. Amanda begins to see me as a monster. I break up with her before the cement dries.

July 2008. I confess everything to Allyson in Rhode Island. She forgave me in her next breath and had never been more beautiful.

October 17, 2009. I ask myself if I have a heart. I try writing to find an answer.