Creepy Jesus

Once upon a time an invincible being hailing from an uncharted dimension spontaneously decided to create. His behemoth hand tore into space and planted planets. Hung them like planes and colors dangling off a mobile and bid them turn. He amassed an eternal fire and called it sun. Then, in the days to follow, He singled out a particular planet and molded life. With his magic wand he led the orchestra in pregnant symphony, giving birth to the grass and trees, the animals and the air, and, finally, stenciled man in the very dirt His hand wove wistfully in the vast black nothing. He breathed live into him, and time stood still, frozen in the flawless life of all things conjured and hewn.

But then a venomous snake demon fooled creation and diverted the earth into evil and chaos, death, dismay, and eternal damnation. Thus man evolved in his sickness, and countless generations were judiciously abandoned to cope with the cantankerous pain and anxiety accompanied with heavenly separation from their king and creator.

Most shed hope like layers of clothing, until at last all were naked in their fear and malice. But not all hope was lost. There were whispers, hushed utterances of a messiah bearing salvation from the fog and mire.

He arrived thousands of years later, shot like a skyrocket into the womb of a fated virgin, who in turn gave birth to the child of the sovereign but long forgotten universal magistrate. The child would be ill-fated to a human life, which would lead to convicted charges of religious treason and finally terminate in bloody execution.

But, as the prophesies had long ago foretold, the son resurrected in a spiritual body and had had, in death, soared down to the pits of Hades and righteously thieved the keys of hell to save us all. He walked the earth for some time before ascending into his father's dimension, but not before mandating a decree: all those who desire eternal life must surrender their hearts to the will of him and his father, who would in exchange proffer and prepare kingly seats in heaven forever.

Millenia have passed since, and his followers still blindly anticipate his triumphant return. To this day his believers still travel the earth and spread his story. They eat his bones and drink his blood in holy memoriam. They baptize their children in the name of him, his father, and the ghost whom which his followers have been spiritually imparted.

Right, there's only one God, but he actually has three distinct personalities. He's his own father, his own son, and he has an accompanying apparition. And you have to invite him to dwell in your heart. Oh yeah and there's special gifts you get when your relationship grows stronger. Oh and P.S. you should give him 10% of your income.

I can't believe I have faith in all this stuff.