Net Brutality

"I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it." - Audrey Hepburn

There's this Audrey Hepburn poster you'll find in every other girls' dorm room. It's a blown-up black and white snapshot of the sexy 60's actress. She has her hair pinned up, revealing a necklace of white pearls ornately decorating her naked neckline, and she's wearing her trademark large dark sunglasses. A lit cigarette makes an appearance, but I forget exactly where.

I hate this poster.

I don't know how this poster became so independently popular and subsequently colossally available, but I imagine most college girls bring theirs in their tote bags from home. Most though probably throw down some coin for theirs at their university's annual poster sale, and from there they'll scurry back to their cubby holes, pull out some adhesive from their meticulously coordinated stationary drawers, and then slap those bad boys in some convenient wall space made available between the fanciful printouts of inspirational quotes and the iconic heartfelt collages depicting those memorable nights out with the girlies. It's enough to make a grown man spew.

Almost like a reflex, I blame Facebook quite readily. I'm not completely sure why I go on at all anymore. I never liked keeping in touch with people, and I was certainly never one to invite other people into my business. However, there is one unintentional element of the website that spices up some otherwise droll browsing. The "social network" is, to me, a tad misleading. What you really have here is a highly effective character generator. Millions of self-conscious people play Sim City with their personalities and act the identity architects of their own self-propelled public perceptions. It's repulsive, like the cocooned humans in The Matrix. Some see a valuable and entertaining Internet tool; I see a web monster harvesting the insecurities of semi-conscious, goop-covered men, women, and children fulfilling trite fantasies from the ugly safety of their networked test tubes.

Sick :( text or call. Curling up in bed with my Nutella and Humphrey Bogart <3.>12 days, *sigh*. Bros night with @bman and @g-money. 3 Months <3<3<3. DRUNKKKK...get at me.

Now get this, motherfuckers. If we ever again chance to meet screen to face, I will neutralize you and your besties in one fell swoop. I'll be coming for you, and I won't hesitate to bludgeon you with your thumb drives. If I have to I'll confiscate your cameras and shoot myself USBeating off all over each and every one of your keyboards, and then I'll split your skulls when I smash them over your heads until it hits home row, you stupid, terrible neanderthals...LOL jk!!!

What's really frightening is how Facebook life is running over into the real world, slowly but steadily blending the two into something indistinguishable. Everyone's living that g-ddamn Mark Twain "dance like nobody's watching" bullshit. Go ahead and lap it up. Cliff jumping, bungee jumping, and sky diving use to be cool, thrill-seeking activities, but now people leap off cliffs, bridges, and out of planes for tweets, giggles, and the imminent enshrining of momentous digital memories. Jumping off cliffs with the bros. It's gonna be wild, but not too wild, because really I do this kind of stuff all the time (check my pics dont forget to comment plz thanx ;)). My life is so casually crazy.

Fuck you and the froth in your mocha lattes.