Active Voice

Sexually active. I hate when people ask me that, doctors and shit. Are you and your partner sexually active? Are you sexually active? Active, as opposed to passive. Active, like thrown switches on a fusebox. Like my cock's loaded with lithium batteries or double A's, juiced up and ready to rumble. Sure, I'm active. I do things. I don't "do things", but I do things. I pursue things. I like sex. I've never had "it" or been with "that" or whatever other smokey objective pronouns the "active" community smugly drops in pushy rounds of personal confessions, but I'm no sagely monk. I've dated my fair share of women, but I tap shoulders more than anything else, and I would never, ever, "hit that shit."

I tap shoulders; I have questions. First of all, what's with the taboo? Is referring to birth control as "the pill" the peak of our sexual liberation? Is the sneakily named "pill" dubbed such so inconclusively because our whoring generation was raised so sexually attuned we think of nothing else? That can't be right.

I get the sexy pill. I can dig it. My gripe here is that we have this awesome pill that no one wants to call anything. It's unbelievable. Also, pairing raised eyebrows with subtly raunchy pejorative pronothings in exchange for calling sex sex isn't a tell tale sign of your coital enlightenment; but rather the imparted consequences of the world's largest, deaf-only "whisper down the alley" game gone down as you think it would. Seriously, how "made love" became "hit that shit" is well beyond my understanding. Someone must have thrown that game, and I have no doubt he left with a tidy purse. He probably bought himself something nice.

We live in an era of grown children playing "I'll show you mine if you show me yours," and I don't like it one bit. I'm a bit disgruntled over it already, and i haven't even given any real thought to the conjoining issues, like the irrevokable damage done to our approach to the act itself, or the active community's semi-intentional defecation of the English language. You either had sex, fucked, or made love to her; you don't get to say anything else.

I understand there are several ways to skin a cat, but that doesn't license anyone to skin all these g-ddamn cats, you sick freaks. Leave the cat alone. It's fine just the way it is.